I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.