I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?