I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"