I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I think they named the orange before the carrot.