I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.