I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.