I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.