I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.