I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.