I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.