I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.