I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.