I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.