I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"