I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.