I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.