There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.