I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
Demetri MartinThe problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
Demetri MartinEverybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
Demetri MartinI am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
Demetri MartinMan versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.
Demetri Martin