In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.