In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?