The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.