You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.