You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.