Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".