Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.