A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.