When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.