When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.