When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

Love is, and I hope it never isn't.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.