Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.