You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.

I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.