You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table.

Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.