Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house.