Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.