I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep my nose out of other people's personal business. I guess I fall into conservative when it comes to protecting the United States in a world where a lot of people hate the United States.

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple fact they've always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends and are almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to wishes of their enemies. And if they want to get their hands dirty now they're just gonna have to run 'em through their own hair.