Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.

Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.