Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.