You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.