In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.