In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.

Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.