Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.