Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!

On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.