The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.

I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep my nose out of other people's personal business. I guess I fall into conservative when it comes to protecting the United States in a world where a lot of people hate the United States.