[The Internet] ... is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing.

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.