To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.