That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.

A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.