If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics.

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.

Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.