If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package.

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."