If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.