If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.