Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.