By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.