By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.