I've changed after 9/11. My friends are still my friends.Bill Maher is my friend. I don't agree with a lot of what he says. And there are times I think, "Oh, my God. How could he say that."

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.