I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.

The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.