There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.