I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.