That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

I'd rather be funny than wise.