That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?

The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion