That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?

I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.