I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.

The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.