And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.