Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.

Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.