To this day, to this very day, except for television, I've never had a writer. Anything I've ever done on the stage, happened on the stage and I developed it from there. It started doing impressions and jokes - which I did very poorly. To this day I can't tell a joke. That sounds nuts, but it's true. I exaggerate it and it becomes a joke. Everything I've ever done I've done out on the stage and it became a performance over many many years.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew even­tually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys.

Hell, do I remember the first joke? I was never a jokester.

Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood.

Who am I to judge is what I say. I'm 90 years old, for crying out loud, and I don't sit in any chariot.

Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.