I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.

My health, thank God, has kept my brain alive.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

My style is my personality. It's always been that way. Being a wiseguy and having fun. It's always been that way for me, when I was in high school, and in the Navy. It's not something I rehearse.

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.