I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I was with George Washington at Valley Forge, sitting around before an attack... gimme a break. That's over 70 years ago already.

I never went out looking for glory.

People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.

I don't really tell a joke, I react to situations. The whole thing is just looking at somebody and showing all our weaknesses and exaggerating them, and that's how it becomes funny.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

I knew most of the people there who ran the places, a lot of wiseguys. They're all gone now. All good people.