It takes many years to be a great comedian.

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.

The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson.