[To woman bragging about having kept her husband for seven years:] Don't worry, if you keep him long enough, he'll come back in style.

Civilization is coming to an end, you understand.

Work is the province of cattle.

People are more fun than anyone.

For a few minutes, everything is so cute that the mind reels.... And then, believe it or not, things get worse. So I shot myself.

[On hearing that President Coolidge was dead:] How can you tell?

Eternity is a ham and two people.