I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I've only had sex in months that end in arch... in years that have an Olympics.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

I was immediately into all the great movie comedians - Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder. Everything those guys had anything to do with, from I don't know how young. Super young.

The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.