I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I've only had sex in months that end in arch... in years that have an Olympics.

People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I'm a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.

I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.

There's a lust to get on TV.

It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.