Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.