Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.