Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

AA makes Scientology look credible.