AA makes Scientology look credible.

People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.