I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.