I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.