There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.