There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?