Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.