he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.